Kefka's Discworld MUD ...Stuff

McSweeney Happy Meal Toys


A simple little idea based on the McSweeney's/McDonald's joke; The ability to buy meals which include a cheap and crappy toy. We call them "McSweeney Meals of Responsibly Moderated Glee".

From Lord McSweeney's dressing room:

Hanging from the walls are a number of lavishly painted canvases, each depicting a few ridiculously happy children streaming out of the doorway of a McSweeney's restaurant holding squishi rolls and various cheap-looking toys.

The Toys

First up, a wind-up water buffalo toy.

>look toy
This mess of coarse linen and tassels vaguely resembles a water buffalo.  A small handle in its back
allows it to be wound up, promising realistic water buffalo action.

>wind up toy
You wind up the water buffalo toy and let it loose.
The wind-up water buffalo toy remains absolutely motionless, to the sound of whirring cogs.
The realism is unparalleled.

//after 3 wind-ups
>wind up toy
You wind up the water buffalo toy and let it loose.
The wind-up water buffalo toy walks backwards in small circles, obviously broken.

Next, a sapient pearwood chest toy.

>look toy
This miniscule replica of a sapient pearwood chest quite definitely doesn't contain a single
splinter of sapient pearwood.  It seems to be made of badly painted pine.  While its capacity
isn't quite quantum, it could probably hold a little something.

Working container, very small - maybe capable of holding two rings at the max. After opening/closing the lid (or getting/putting from it) a few times, the lid breaks off and the toy remains permanently open.

I'm not sure how possible that is to code... so perhaps it could just work normally? Or break the first time you try to use it? Or lose 30% of its condition every time you open/close the lid?

Moving on, we have a Red Army soldier toy.

>look toy
Painted a garish red, this little figurine of an armoured soldier depicts a member of the
legendary Red Army.  It has been crafted, somewhat realistically, out of dry clay.  While the
original Red Army soldiers were said to have lasted thousands of years, this one will be
lucky to last for more than twenty minutes.  Still, it may be fun to play with for a bit.

>play with toy
You wiggle the clay soldier about, waving its tiny little swo... Oh.  The sword just broke off.

>play with toy
You march the clay soldier about on a mock patrol, until one of its legs falls off.

>play with toy
You make the clay soldier salute you, leaving you holding one of its arms.

>play with toy
The clay soldier seems content to just lay about mourning its lost limbs and weaponry.

Just for kicks, perhaps add an "It seems to be missing its..." line to the end of the description, similar to a corpse. (Add to line every time a bit comes off)

This week only! Get a blood-sucking vampire ghost toy.

>look toy
The only thing on the other side of the Great Wall are blood-sucking vampire ghosts.
Fortunately, the ghosts are also invisible.  This has resulted in the most cost-effective
McSweeney's toy to date.

I was thinking of more to add to this toy, but I changed my mind - it's funnier as is. Some funny appraise info would be great though.

Just for you, a Great Wizzard toy.

>look toy
Clad in a cheap cloth robe, this small figurine is complete with pointy cardboard hat and a
scruffy beard made of horse hair.  It is completely unable to perform any acts of magic.
Whether or not such realism is intentional is unclear.

Gotta catch 'em all, a not-quite-quantum weather butterfly toy.

>look toy
Two vaguely heart-shaped pieces of card make up the majority of this toy.  The wings have
been painted a murky yellow, with somewhat psychedelic patterns traced over them in brown.
The wings connect to an elongated wooden body, from which a piece of string hangs.
Pulling the string may, or may not, manipulate the weather.

>pull string of toy
You pull the string and the butterfly's wings flap, causing a very weak and extremely localised breeze.

One for the road, a Barking Dog toy.

>look toy
This three inch cylinder of brass on a cheap wooden frame is the McSweeneys toy most coveted
by young (and not-so-young) males.  One end of the cylinder has been shaped to resemble a dog's
head, while the other end is closed, with an enticingly pullable length of string dangling from it.

>pull string of toy
You pull the string, detonating a small charge inside the cylinder.  A small wooden pellet is shot
from the Barking Dog toy with a loud pop, flying out of sight.

>look toy
This three inch cylinder of brass on a cheap wooden frame is the McSweeneys toy most coveted
by young (and not-so-young) males.  The toy has been fired, leaving the cylinder warped,
scorched, and useless.